The Decision of My Life

I think one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we’re completely in charge of our lives.

You know the song. We’re all masters of our destiny. We steer the ship of life through wind and storm, along a course we chart and towards a destination entirely of our own choosing.

I mean look, I get it. Of course we have to tell ourselves certain lies. That we always know what we want, that we choose who we fall in love with, and that we’ll live forever. Nobody’s equipped to handle too much truth at once.

Nevertheless, there are rare moments when horrible events spin out of control, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless, when something magical happens. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the answer comes.

Plus, miraculously, the courage and resolve to make it happen.

It’s not always the prettiest or the easiest answer. But sometimes, there it is. Right in your lap.

This is exactly what happened to me one August evening several years ago.

Rough Seas

My ex and I had been having trouble for years. Neither of us had been happy in for a long time; we’d been to four different couples’ therapists throughout sixteen years of marriage and two children.

I remember the last therapist in our last session most vividly. She openly worried that words were being said that could end a marriage. I vividly remember my own reaction upon hearing a simple truth stated powerfully. And I remember my wife’s reaction. It was not the same as mine.

A few days later, I had a chance to go see a movie. Alone. It was my night off: I’d been an at-home dad to two little kids for close to a decade, and I was going to savor each and every moment of it.

I remember really being in the mood for a comedy. But for some strange reason, when I got to the movie theater, I saw an ad for a different movie altogether, and decided to check it out.

The movie’s name is Calvary. It is not a comedy.

I won’t go into details (you can look it up yourself if you’re interested), but it centers around a priest who struggles with a life or death decision.

I have to confess that at first, the premise kind of annoyed me. Why didn’t the priest just do something that would probably have made for a much less interesting movie, but seemed like the straightforward thing to do? It got to the point that I even considered leaving and heading for the comedy just about to start across the hall.

But for some reason I didn’t. I just sat there, ate my popcorn, and watched the main character struggle. Slowly, and almost imperceptibly, the movie that had gotten under my skin was now making its way deep into my bones.

When the movie ended, it was like a slap in the face. Not the kind you get on a really bad date. The kind the doctor gives you when you’re born.

When I left the theater, I knew what I had to do. I slept on things just to be sure I was on the right track. In the morning, it still seemed like the best thing to do.

The Day Everything Changed

That night, after dinner, I pulled my wife over for a conversation. In many ways, it was the first and last real one we ever had.

I asked her if she was planning to proceed this weekend with something I was really, really, opposed to. Something I felt strongly was incompatible with our being married. She said she was. I informed her that if she did, then I was going to ask for a divorce. She said fine.

I then called an emergency family meeting (me, my wife, and 6yo and 8yo kids). My wife and I sat on opposite armchairs, each of us with a kid in our lap.

That was when I informed them that mommy and daddy both love them very, very, much, and have decided together that the best thing for everyone was to get a divorce.

I’ll never forget what happened next. Both kids burst into tears, got off our laps, and ran to hug one another. In fact, they didn’t so much hug as squeeze one another tightly, while crying their eyes out.

I remember the glare of hatred from my wife. Somehow it didn’t affect me as much as it used to.

I kneeled down next to both kids, and waited until the crying subsided enough for me to give both of them a huge hug. And then head kisses.

Aftermath: Family

My kids and I talked about things a lot in the days to come. How we’d live, what would be the same, what would be different, and what life might be like. Interestingly, none of those things came true. The road to our official divorce just over two years later proved to be one of the rockiest of all our lives.

Nevertheless, it was a decision that got all of us two safe homes. Homes where kids didn’t have to watch their parents argue all the time, and hide together in the basement every time it got bad.

And I got to take charge of my life, having watched it spiral out of my hands for years.

My relationship with my kids has grown nicely, through all sorts of hurdles. They’re both teenagers now, and with each passing day I feel we get closer to one other. Luckily for me, they share my sense of humor. Unluckily for me, they also have my inclination for mischief.

We still talk about the old days, and what it was like for them. When they ask, I sometimes share a bit about what it was like for me. We may or may not have a lot more conversations like that as they get older.

Aftermath: Social and Personal

In the process, I also pissed off a lot of people who, I discovered, had quite a lot invested in my marriage. Except, apparently, my health and happiness.

I’ve since managed to patch things up with the ones among them who are still in my life. Which is not to say our relationship is necessarily better. Just more genuine and real.

Of course I started dating. That’s been an existential whirlwind of its own, let me tell you. It’s one thing to learn about yourself from others. It’s another to learn about yourself through years of psychoanalysis and therapy.

But learning who you are from pillow talk? From more than one partner who tells you the very same thing about what you do when you get angry, what you’re like when you’re sad, and how you handle conflict?

Dear reader, that’s not information anymore. That’s straight-up formation. And as you’re probably well aware, a significant portion of this blog is dedicated to those very adventures.

And last but not least, my wife and I are even on much better terms. That’s something I never dreamed would happen.

All because of one simple decision I made, sitting in a movie theater exactly seven years ago today. A decision that didn’t just change my life, but gave it back to me.