Busted

This is a story about dating at midlife. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was on a second date with someone almost a decade younger, whose mom had her at 20. On our first date I joked that if things didn’t work out with us, I could easily date her mom.

Suddenly I’m wondering how I made it past the first date.

Anyway one fine summer day, her kids were with their dad, which meant she and I could spend some quality time alone time at her place.

Needless to say, we were still pretty new to each other, so we got down to business quickly. I’ll spare you the details (or open an OnlyFans later, I don’t know which), but suffice it to say we were getting pretty hot and heavy in her bedroom.

Things were cooking along quite nicely for a while. But for some reason, her phone kept ringing. I ignored it, deciding it was her problem, and kept my mind focused on the task at hand.

Now reader, I know what you’re saying. “Rascal, with all your years of dating experience, how could you possibly ignore a serious warning sign like that?”

To which I would reply yes, I know. But she was divorced for several years. Both she and her ex-husband had long ago moved on to other people. It was probably one of her kids or some random person. It wasn’t a jealousy situation, at all, so I ignored it.

Finally, the ringing stopped. And then the nightmare began.

Knock Knock

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the bedroom door. I whispered my partner’s name loudly and asked if the door was locked.

“No, we’re alone!” she claimed. “Well clearly not!” I replied.

That was when I heard a somewhat older yet strangely familiar female voice. “Jenny! Are you in there?”

“Oh shit, it’s my mom!”
“What’s she doing here?”
“I don’t know! No, wait. I told her we’d be switching cars later today and I think she meant here!”

Whoever it was was insistent. “JENNY!”

By the grace of God, her mom didn’t turn the knob. If she had, who knows how many years of therapy it would have taken to purge the image behind the door from her mind.

“Jenny! Are you taking my car or not?”

Luckily, by this point I was already almost dressed. Throughout my life, I’d narrowly avoided numerous parents, husbands, boyfriends, and one girlfriend. I’d also been walked in on by one teen, whose mom acted like it was no big deal at all (we broke up a few days later).

Anyway, I was not about to get done in by someone’s mom.

“Wait, how did she get in here?”
“She has keys to my apartment. Hang on. Just a second Mom! I’ll be right out!”
“No! Tell her to wait.”
“No. Hurry up and get dressed.”
“I can hide under the covers while you stall for time.”
“What?”
“Just go outside and talk to her.”
“Oh ok, good idea.”
“Wait.”
“What?”
“I’m fifty fucking one years old! This should NOT be happening to me anymore!”
“I’m sorry!”

Epilogue

I waited in the bedroom for a few minutes before coming out. When I did, I found no one in the apartment, but the front door open to the parking lot. Gingerly, and with my head held high, I walked outside.

My date’s mom was sitting in my date’s car with the window down, and the two were talking. I approached them.

“Hi, Mrs Smith. My name is Rascal.”
“How do you do and look, I’m so sor—“
“It’s fine. Nothing happened.”
“Excuse me?”
“I was just, well, helping Jenny here study for her English test next week, and we simply lost track of time.”
“Ha! I think you mean Biology test!” Mom and date both roared with laughter.

“I’m Loretta.”
“Hi Loretta. Your daughter’s lovely, and I can see the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
“Hey! That’s my mom!”
“So?”
“She’s married!”
“Not like that’s stopped him before, I bet.”
“I’m sorry, Loretta, have we dated?”
“RASCAL! Mom, see? I told you!”

Anyway, after Jenny finished texting her brothers and nearly killing both of them with the ensuing laughter, we all went out for lunch. We’re all still friends to this day.

The Decision of My Life

I think one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we’re completely in charge of our lives.

You know the song. We’re all masters of our destiny. We steer the ship of life through wind and storm, along a course we chart and towards a destination entirely of our own choosing.

I mean look, I get it. Of course we have to tell ourselves certain lies. That we always know what we want, that we choose who we fall in love with, and that we’ll live forever. Nobody’s equipped to handle too much truth at once.

Nevertheless, there are rare moments when horrible events spin out of control, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless, when something magical happens. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the answer comes.

Plus, miraculously, the courage and resolve to make it happen.

It’s not always the prettiest or the easiest answer. But sometimes, there it is. Right in your lap.

This is exactly what happened to me one August evening several years ago.

Rough Seas

My ex and I had been having trouble for years. Neither of us had been happy in for a long time; we’d been to four different couples’ therapists throughout sixteen years of marriage and two children.

I remember the last therapist in our last session most vividly. She openly worried that words were being said that could end a marriage. I vividly remember my own reaction upon hearing a simple truth stated powerfully. And I remember my wife’s reaction. It was not the same as mine.

A few days later, I had a chance to go see a movie. Alone. It was my night off: I’d been an at-home dad to two little kids for close to a decade, and I was going to savor each and every moment of it.

I remember really being in the mood for a comedy. But for some strange reason, when I got to the movie theater, I saw an ad for a different movie altogether, and decided to check it out.

The movie’s name is Calvary. It is not a comedy.

I won’t go into details (you can look it up yourself if you’re interested), but it centers around a priest who struggles with a life or death decision.

I have to confess that at first, the premise kind of annoyed me. Why didn’t the priest just do something that would probably have made for a much less interesting movie, but seemed like the straightforward thing to do? It got to the point that I even considered leaving and heading for the comedy just about to start across the hall.

But for some reason I didn’t. I just sat there, ate my popcorn, and watched the main character struggle. Slowly, and almost imperceptibly, the movie that had gotten under my skin was now making its way deep into my bones.

When the movie ended, it was like a slap in the face. Not the kind you get on a really bad date. The kind the doctor gives you when you’re born.

When I left the theater, I knew what I had to do. I slept on things just to be sure I was on the right track. In the morning, it still seemed like the best thing to do.

The Day Everything Changed

That night, after dinner, I pulled my wife over for a conversation. In many ways, it was the first and last real one we ever had.

I asked her if she was planning to proceed this weekend with something I was really, really, opposed to. Something I felt strongly was incompatible with our being married. She said she was. I informed her that if she did, then I was going to ask for a divorce. She said fine.

I then called an emergency family meeting (me, my wife, and 6yo and 8yo kids). My wife and I sat on opposite armchairs, each of us with a kid in our lap.

That was when I informed them that mommy and daddy both love them very, very, much, and have decided together that the best thing for everyone was to get a divorce.

I’ll never forget what happened next. Both kids burst into tears, got off our laps, and ran to hug one another. In fact, they didn’t so much hug as squeeze one another tightly, while crying their eyes out.

I remember the glare of hatred from my wife. Somehow it didn’t affect me as much as it used to.

I kneeled down next to both kids, and waited until the crying subsided enough for me to give both of them a huge hug. And then head kisses.

Aftermath: Family

My kids and I talked about things a lot in the days to come. How we’d live, what would be the same, what would be different, and what life might be like. Interestingly, none of those things came true. The road to our official divorce just over two years later proved to be one of the rockiest of all our lives.

Nevertheless, it was a decision that got all of us two safe homes. Homes where kids didn’t have to watch their parents argue all the time, and hide together in the basement every time it got bad.

And I got to take charge of my life, having watched it spiral out of my hands for years.

My relationship with my kids has grown nicely, through all sorts of hurdles. They’re both teenagers now, and with each passing day I feel we get closer to one other. Luckily for me, they share my sense of humor. Unluckily for me, they also have my inclination for mischief.

We still talk about the old days, and what it was like for them. When they ask, I sometimes share a bit about what it was like for me. We may or may not have a lot more conversations like that as they get older.

Aftermath: Social and Personal

In the process, I also pissed off a lot of people who, I discovered, had quite a lot invested in my marriage. Except, apparently, my health and happiness.

I’ve since managed to patch things up with the ones among them who are still in my life. Which is not to say our relationship is necessarily better. Just more genuine and real.

Of course I started dating. That’s been an existential whirlwind of its own, let me tell you. It’s one thing to learn about yourself from others. It’s another to learn about yourself through years of psychoanalysis and therapy.

But learning who you are from pillow talk? From more than one partner who tells you the very same thing about what you do when you get angry, what you’re like when you’re sad, and how you handle conflict?

Dear reader, that’s not information anymore. That’s straight-up formation. And as you’re probably well aware, a significant portion of this blog is dedicated to those very adventures.

And last but not least, my wife and I are even on much better terms. That’s something I never dreamed would happen.

All because of one simple decision I made, sitting in a movie theater exactly seven years ago today. A decision that didn’t just change my life, but gave it back to me.

Rascal’s Rules for Fair Argument

Important difference

Before we begin, I’d like to note an important difference: between a fight and an argument.

First of all, they have different goals. A fight is all about winning, which is to say defeating an opponent. An argument is about gaining better understanding; in the case of couples’ work, better understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship (especially as all three of those change over time).

Secondly, all of us have fights, but few of us have arguments. That’s because arguments are harder and demand a lot more of us on the inside than fights. Also, successful couples either know or have learned to avoid fights when they disagree and have arguments instead.

If I feel the argument is turning into a fight, I will stop it, at which point all three of us can assess the situation and decide how to move forward. If you see this happening or about to happen, let me know that too.

Before We Begin

Before we begin, I’ll ask you three things. You may find it useful to jot them down, as we’re going to check back on them before our session is over.

The first of them is a quick feelings inventory. What are you feeling right now, just before the argument? Pay special attention to feelings you don’t typically feel or that you dislike. This is especially important if the feelings are strong (like anger, resentment, or sadness) or you’re experiencing a state like defensiveness, woundedness, or vulnerability.

Also, as best you can, think about when this feeling (or feelings) started, and what provoked them.

The second thing I ask is to set some goals. What would you like to accomplish, both for yourself and your partner? For example, if your goal is to get your partner to do (or stop doing) something, what is it? And what goals do you have for yourself?

Try to be as specific as possible. If you have trouble formulating goals, you can just aim for “better understanding.”

The third thing before we begin is to set the topic. It’s best to choose a single topic so as not to get distracted from it, however much you may be tempted. If you change your mind about the topic, let me know. If you and your partner both feel like changing the topic together during the session, we can discuss that as well.

The last thing I say before we begin is you can always ask for a break if you’d like one.

Here are some rules for the road which you can take home and discuss before our first working session. I’ve divided them into do’s and dont’s.

Don’t:

• Interrupt. Wait until your partner finishes before responding.

• Try to change the topic once it’s agreed on. If you must, you can say “I want to talk about (topic) next time.”

• Try to bring in or otherwise involve third parties (exception: unless they’re a central part of what the argument is about).

• Use totalizing language like “always,” “never,” “everybody,” or “nobody.” Avoid words like these whenever possible.

If you feel you can’t, ask, and we can brainstorm more useful substitute words together. For example, “often” may work better in place of “constantly” (especially if you’ve used the word a lot).

• Write words in stone. Give yourself the freedom to revise statements you’ve made in the past, or even just moments ago, and give your partner the same freedom.

After all, the goal is to learn new things about ourselves and our partner.

• Engage in mind-reading. That’s statements that tell someone what they’re thinking, feeling, wanting, or trying to do; an example is “All you care about is X.” Consider asking your partner what’s on their mind instead.

• Use abusive language. Abusive language is aimed at trying to lower your partner’s self-esteem or otherwise degrading them.

It includes (but is by no means limited to) things like condescending, belittling, yelling, swearing, accusing, blaming, guilting, shaming, threatening, and name-calling.

Some words are also more loaded than others, depending on a number of factors. Keep in mind the distinction between a word’s denotation (it’s dictionary meaning) and its connotation (emotional overtones).

Connotations can sometimes be personal, given someone’s particular history, or they can belong to particular groups or people with shared experiences.

Be aware that a lot gets communicated non-verbally, too. For example, body language and tone of voice can say a lot, over and above the literal meaning of words.

Watch those as well for signs of disrespect or abuse.

• Refuse to respond. If you’re feeling hurt or angry, say so. If you have other reasons for being unable or unwilling to respond, say them so they can be addressed.

I’ve also found it useful to tell couples in therapy to avoid trying to have arguments (that often turn into fights instead) in public and especially in front of children.

Do:

• Share your feelings. When you do, try to put it in the form of the following statement: “Ok right now I’m feeling X (and Y).”

If you’re having trouble sharing your feelings, let me know.

• Take turns. If you feel you’re not getting enough time, or your partner is taking up too much time, a timer can be used to make things more equal.

• Acknowledge mistakes (especially if you make them) non-judgmentally. (Not if but) when you make one, just notice it, apologize, and offer a correction.

That is to say, just note them and give yourself or your partner a chance to correct them. Keep in mind we all make mistakes, and that the likelihood of making them during argument is especially high.

• Focus on how you’re feeling in the present moment. That doesn’t mean we can’t talk about the past or future; it just means the focus should be on feelings you’re having during the argument itself.

• Especially report if you’re feeling hurt or wounded by something your partner says or does. If possible, put it in the form of a statement like “When you said / did X, I felt Y.”

You can also just say “ouch” (you get bonus points if you can identify and say when you feel defensive).

• Think twice before you decide to criticize. For example, is the criticism likely to advance understanding or victory? Is it the kind of thing anyone would notice and point out, or just you?

If you’ve offered this criticism in the past, did you get the results you wanted? If not, how so and why do you think that was?

If you decide to criticize, direct your criticism at someone’s behavior instead of their character or person.

• After your partner speaks, and before your response, try to sum up what you heard them say in a sentence. This is a part of good argument that’s often missed.

• Take a time-out when you need one.

• Watch your tone of voice. For example, if you disagree strongly with your partner or something being said, is it conveying respect or condescension?

Before We End

I always leave a few minutes before the end of our session to check in with you and your partner.

I’ll ask how it went for you. Some things I’m especially interested in hearing about:

Did you achieve your goals? If so, why, and if not, why not?

How did you feel before, during, and after? If something inside you changed, what was it and what made it happen?

What did you learn about yourself during the argument that you didn’t know before? What did you learn about your partner? How might you bring any of that new knowledge into the next argument?

If you didn’t learn at least one new thing, or feel you didn’t accomplished any of your goals, why do you think that was?

Lots of people find they have more (or even their best) thoughts after the session. If you have them, write them down if you like but be sure to bring them to the next session. I’ll begin the next one by asking about those.