Twitter Thugs

“Good Morning! Twitter Thugs!”
“Yes, hi, I’d like to hire one of your people this afternoon.”
“No problem. We have thugs for every job and budget.”
“Great. There’s this guy — at least I think he’s a guy — who’s been bothering me a lot on Twitter.”
“What’s the issue, ma’am?”
“I don’t know, it just seems no matter what I say he makes fun of me or something I tweeted in a way that everyone laughs at. And then retweets.”
“So on top of being the butt of the joke — if you’ll pardon the expression — you’re a bad sport for not laughing all this off.”
“Exactly. What can you do?”
“Ma’am, we have a crack team of Twitterers working around the globe 24/7 to make sure nobody has to stand for this kind of nonsense.”
“Oh good.”
“What we’ll do is get some information about the offending Twitterer first, then my associate will get a credit card number, and we’ll have everyone laughing at the obnoxious jerk within minutes.”
“Oh thank you, Twitter Thugs!”
“You’re quite welcome, ma’am. You have a nice day.”

“Good Morning! Twitter Thugs!”
“Hi. Would you folks be interested in buying some ad space on my website?”
“How many unique hits a day?”
“About 50,000.”
“Sorry, not interested.”
“It’s a website for folks struggling with anger management. Hello?”
“I’m sorry. Please continue.”
“Last month we had a guest blogger showing our readers how to raise their self-esteem online by lowering that of others.”
“I’m going to transfer you to our personnel department. We have a recruiting drive scheduled for this spring.”
“We’d be perfect.”
“You might hear a few clicks, don’t hang up.”
“OK, thanks.”

“Good Morning! Twitter Thugs!”
“Hi, we — I mean, I have a problem. This isn’t being recorded, is it?”
“No, sir.”
“Good. I need you to discredit some people online.”
“Sure. Can you give me some background?”
“They’re a group of investigative journalists who are really, really annoying me. Just me. Personally.”
“Of course. Is this a one-time affair or would you like to open an account?”
“Um, can we — I mean me, I — can I see how things go first?”
“Absolutely. If you like what you see we can discount our Credibility Reduction membership fee accordingly.”
“That sounds great.”
“Ok hang on, my associate will take your info.”

“Good Morning! Twitter Thugs!”
“Hey, you guys hiring?”
“Depends. Whatcha got?”
“I’ve been told I’m a total wiseass.”
“OK, anything else?”
“I’ve had my ass kicked throughout grade and high school because my mouth wrote checks my body couldn’t cash.”
“All right, I have a few questions for you.”
“Shoot.”
“Got a smartphone?”
“Yes. And several Twitter accounts.”
“We provide all our associates with their own Twitter accounts. I’ll need quick answers now, so I know you’re not Googling. Ready?”
“Yes.”
“Who’s the current President?”
“Obama.”
“And before him?”
“Bush. George W.”
“Good. What do Juvenal and Jonathan Swift have in common?”
“Both noted satirists.”
“Very good. Now, if someone calls you a pussy, what do you say back?”
“I tell them that we are what we eat.”
“Hold the line and someone from personnel will be on shortly to take your information.”
“Dude, that’s excellent!”
“Have a nice day, and thank you for thinking of us.”

“Good Morning! Twitter Thugs!”
“Good morning. I’m calling because I’m just an ordinary citizen very upset over the way my candidate is being portrayed by some on Twitter.”
“We get that all the time. What’s going on?”
“There are folks claiming to be members of my party doing nothing other than reporting complaints and concerns about my candidate and I’m sick of it.”
“I see.”
“As I’m sure you know, there’s a very important election coming up.”
“Yes.”
“Politics is a dirty business, you know.”
“Of course.”
“Blood sport. And I play to win, take no prisoners. Do you understand what I mean?”
“Sir, we cater exclusively to the toughest nails alive.”
“Good. Naturally we’re concerned that any negativity directed towards our candidate could affect voter turnout at this critical time.”
“I’m sorry, did you say ‘we?'”
“No, I did not.”
“Of course, sorry. May I ask something?”
“Yes.”
“Have you tried taking the critics head-on?”
“Every day.”
“I mean, taking on their arguments. Using evidence to show why what they’re saying is false, misleading, or dangerous.”
“No, this is on Twitter. Listen, am I dealing with a professional here?”
“Of course. Let me transfer you to our Dirty Tricks department and we’ll have our team get on it right away.”

“Good Morning! Twitter Thugs!”
“Yes, I need an undercover operation to expose the enemies of a free and decent people. Money is no object, and I’m prepared to pay in direct proportion to the juiciness of the lie.”
“I’m sorry, we’re a Twitter service and we never, ever engage in deception.”
“All right. Fidelio.”
“Please hold, ma’am.”
“Good Morning! Fox News! How can I help you take your country back today?”

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