Projective Identification (Induction)

Here’s the situation: someone says or does something that really gets under your skin. Sometimes this kind of thing typifies your relationship with them, sometimes it doesn’t. What’s going on?

Melanie Klein proposed the notion of projective identification to account for situations like these. It’s a funny notion because it gets explained in a number of different and sometimes confusing ways. Here’s mine:

Let’s say you had a bad day at the office because your boss (a kind person, really, and maybe even someone you look up to) was very critical of your work. You feel like shit, and you come home to your partner, roommate, or significant other.

Now let’s imagine two ways of telling someone how you’re feeling. One is to put those feelings to words and share them with others. Another is to help the other person feel what you’re feeling without telling them (exactly) what happened.

Let’s say the first way works better when you’re good with words, don’t mind talking about what happened, and trust the person you’re telling not to shame you, criticize you, or get overly upset about it.

Let’s say the latter way works especially well when saying what happened feels too embarrassing, could leave you feeling too exposed or vulnerable, brings up the feelings again in a bad way, raises the risk of criticism, or could unduly upset the other person.

Taking the first way is straightforward; you simply give an account of what happened and wait for your conversation partner to respond. Hugs, warm words, or shoulder rubs are not uncommon here.

The second way requires more work, but comes naturally to those used to communicating this way. Your interlocutor asks how your day went, and your answer manages to contain some criticism, cutting remark, or snide comment that leaves them feeling just as hurt as you felt at the office.

Except they don’t know what happened, only how it made you feel. Except they might think they’re being criticized because of something they did, rather than because they just happened to be around you at that moment.

When the second way succeeds, the communicator experiences the power of being in the position of the criticizer rather than the powerlessness of the criticized. This alone can bring a tremendous sense of relief. There may or may not be guilt over feeling better by making another person feel bad, which often gets ignored or rationalized away.

There is also the relief that comes from someone else having to deal with the feelings that were once inside them. There is also the fact that misery loves company. Rather than be alone withe one’s awful feelings, there are now at least two people feeling the same flavor of bad.

So what do you do to avoid being treated or treating people this way? First thing, I think, is to recognize why people do it – not so much to be evil (rare, but happens) but to borrow your car.

Yes, that’s right. Their car, you see, can’t carry the weight of the feelings it’s been asked to carry right now. Not that it necessarily makes you feel any better, but the fact that you’re being used in this way testifies to your (sometimes far) superior ride.

Some of us were born with pickup trucks, others with Maseratis, still others with Vespas. Each of them has their use and unique attractions, but not all of them are as up to the task of carrying baggage (or in some cases, moving furniture).

Second thing is to realize that all of us induce feelings in one another all the time. Put two people close enough together for long enough a time (family members, roommates, lovers, co-workers, etc) and induction is bound to happen. It’s often just a question of what kind and for how long (one can think of infatuation as the opposite of the process I described here).

Third thing is to recognize, then refuse, the invitation to borrow others’ cars without their permission or to be taken for a ride. A word of caution, however: if someone really, really, needs your car and there’s no other ride around, expect them to get upset when you hide the keys. Doesn’t mean you have to lend your car; it means they have to upgrade theirs.

There is also humor, which can backfire, but is sometimes worth the risk.

When being guilted by induction, I might look over my shoulder and wonder out loud who my interlocutor is talking to. When someone’s being devaluing, I might hand them a dollar bill and ask them to make it feel like fifty cents.

When trapped in a castrating or demasculinizing encounter, I’ve been known to look down at my groin and say “hey, give it back!” I may or may not follow up by saying the appendage in question can be rented for a nominal fee.

Anyway, the point is projective identification can be a fun game but only if you know you’re playing it.